Ok here's mine, I might change it a bit, but it is pretty much as I wanted to ;D
Enjoy!
I choose the song 'If your heart's not in it' as I love this song and it has a special meaning to me.
If your heart's not in it **Intro**Nicky and me are a couple for 3 years, I met him in the gym, and it was love at first sight for both of us, we are living together in his house in Malahide, for 1 ½ year now.
Shane is my best mate, we can talk about anything even about things that Nicky and Gillian do not know.
Nicky and me expecting a baby in 4 months, even though it should be one of the best times of your live, I can’t enjoy it that much…
****“Hi honey!” I say when Nicky steps in the garden after being on tour for three months,
I couldn’t join them as I am pregnant and want to do it real slow.
“Hey” he gives me a kiss and walks into the living room, I follow him, “are you ok”
I ask when I see his unhappy face, “yeah I am, just tired, I think I’ll take a shower and take a nap”, he says, smiling weakly and walks upstairs.
I sit on the couch, not really knowing what to think, he is never like this when he gets home from touring, normally he would talk my ears off about what the tour was like and what they had done, but now he was not saying anything..
‘he is hiding something’ I softly say, immediately regretting for thinking that, ‘he is just tired, nothing more’ I say to myself and walk back into the garden where the sun is still waiting for me.
A few hours later Nicky comes in the garden, his hair is a mess and he still looks tired.
“are you feeling better now?” asking him while I stand up to give him a kiss, “yeah, a little bit, didn’t sleep much lately” and he takes a seat next to me.
‘even though he sits next to me, talking to me, I don’t feel he is here’ I think in myself,
“How was the tour?” I ask quickly, not to show him what I think, “it’s was great, the fans are as lovely as always and the shows went good”, he answers looking in the deep.
“That’s good, I really missed you and the lads, next time I’ll go with you again” I say, looking at his lifeless eyes, which scares me a bit.
“yeah, I missed you too, but I think it’s better you won’t go on tour with us anymore, I don’t want our child to have the same life as Nicole” he answers softly, not looking at me.
It feels like the ground just disappears underneath me, I feel anger and fear ness at the same time.
“you don’t want me on tour with you again?” I say quietly, not showing him my fear, “I thought you missed me too, how you can you say this?”, “it will be the best for the baby” he answers and he looks me in the eyes, I look back at him and see pain in his eyes which confirm to me something is going on.
“If you say so”, I say and smile weakly at him “I just missed you so much, I thought this would be a good idea”.
“We’ll have a talk about it again, when the new tour starts”, he says and sits back in his chair to enjoy the last hour of the sun.
I walk into the living room, as I feel my tears burning in my eyes.
I sit down on the couch and leave my thoughts go over it again, he doesn’t want me to go on tour anymore, I know it is not because of the baby, there is something else, as he told me that he wanted to see me and our baby as much as he could, when he just found out he is going to be a daddy… **tringggg** I snap back in reality as I hear my cell phone ringing.
The display of the phone shows ‘Shane’ I pick up with the happiest voice I could.
“Hi sweetie!” I answer the phone, “Hi Hun, everything ok?” I hear Shane say, “yeah, I am fine, glad that Nicky is back home” I answer, but not in the way I wanted, Shane knows me too well and could hear something is wrong.
“I can hear you are not as fine as you want to be” he says, demanding me to give a honest answer.
“You know me too good”, I answer quietly, “can we meet up?, I need to talk to someone”.
“I can come to Dublin tomorrow, shall we meet at 13:00? I’ll pick you up than”, “The time is fine, but I’ll prefer to meet in the Grand Hotel” I say, hoping he wouldn’t ask why as I see Nicky coming the living room.
“okay, that’s ok with me, I’ll see you than hun, bye bye”, “Bye bye” I answer and hang up.
“Who was that?” Nicky ask while he takes place next to me on the couch, “a friend, I meet her tomorrow to do some shopping”, I lie and feel really bad about it, but didn’t want him to know Shane would come to Dublin for me.
“Ok, I’ll go to my parents tomorrow, if you want, you can come after you’re done shopping” he answers, “I don’t know yet, will see tomorrow” I say and look at him, “shall we grab some dinner in the city?” I ask as I feel my stomach needs some food, he looks at me, “I prefer to stay at home, there will be football on tv tonight and would like to see that”.
“Okay, I’ll make some tappa’s than” I say and walk to the kitchen, ‘he prefers to stay at home, to watch football instead of going to a nice restaurant with me’ I say in my thoughts, ‘what is going on, it looks like he isn’t happy to see me again’
I started to make the tappa’s, but I couldn’t stop my thoughts about Nicky’s behavior.
After dinner and football, I suggest to watch a movie and I cuddle up against his body,
I feel his arm around my neck, laying his hand on my shoulder.
‘maybe I just see ghosts’ my thoughts say and I try to enjoy the movie and the intimate moment with Nicky.
When the movie ends, he stands up and walks to the stairs, just before he walks upstairs, he looks back, asking me with his eyes to come with him.
I follow him to the bedroom and he kisses me on the lips when we lay in bed, just as I want to go further with kissing his neck and body, he stops me.
“I don’t have the energy for that, sweetie, I am too tired” he whispers and gives me a kiss at the top of my nose, “ok, that’s fine”, I say, fighting against my tears, “sweet dreams than, I love you” I whisper in his ear, “love you too” he answers and switches off the light.
I couldn’t move, tears run down my cheeks and ended up in the pillow, ‘why didn’t he want to make love to me?.. we haven’t seen each other for 3 months.. what is happening?’, I ask myself these questions over and over again, until I finally fall asleep.
The next morning, I feel an empty place next to me, I get out of bed and walk downstairs, Nicky is busy in the kitchen, looking a lot better than yesterday, his hair is done, he doesn’t look tired anymore and surprisingly enough he has a smile on his face.
“morning sweetie” he says and kisses me on the lips, “morning love”, I answer still surprised seeing a totally different Nicky than last night.
“I made you some breakfast” he continues, “have a seat, I can’t join you too long as I have to be at my parents house in 45 minutes”.
“No problem, I am glad I still see before you leave” I answer and take a sip of the fresh made orange, “I won’t be here long as well, I meet up with my friend at 13:00”.
Than there falls a silence we never had before, normally Nicky never stopped talking, but now he didn’t say a word for almost 20 minutes.
When I am almost ready with breakfast he stands up, “I gotta now”, gives me a kiss and walks to the door, “love you” he says and closes the door behind him.
‘as if you mean it’ I say to myself and clean up the breakfast table, get dressed and take the car to the Grand Hotel, where Shane is waiting for me in the lobby.
“Heey!”, he says happy and walks to me to give me a big hug, I hug him back, “hey, so glad to see you again”, I say.
“I am glad to see you too”, he says and leads me to the restaurant where we take a table next to the window.
“So tell me, what is going on with you?” Shane asks as soon as the waiter noted our order and left.
“well.. not sure Shane”, I answer quietly, “I think something is going on with Nicky,
but I cannot figure out what”.
“What do you mean?, aren’t you happy he is home again?” he asks.
“That’s just the whole problem, I am happy he is home, but I have the feeling he isn’t”. I answer sadly, feeling again the tears in my eyes, “when he got home, he went straight on to bed, he doesn’t want me to go on tour again with him, during dinner he watched football, and he didn’t want to make love to me when we were in bed” I say almost crying now.
“Ooh Honey, come here”, Shane says, while moving his chair closer to me and puts his arm around me, “I think he is just tired, but if you feel this bad, you probably need to tell him”.
“I know.. I want so too, but don’t know how to start, what if he says he wants to end our relationship”, I say through my tears, “That’s the last thing that I wanna hear Shane”.
“You think he wants to break up with you?” Shane asks surprised, “yeah why else would he behave like that after not seeing each other for 3 months”, I answer softly, getting sick of the idea he is staying with me while he doesn’t love me.
“Talk to him, I am sure he has another explanation’, Shane calmly answers, “I don’t believe he doesn’t love you”.
We talked a few hours more and around 16:00 I park my car on the driveway of our house, Nicky is home already, as his car is parked as well.
“hey, love” I say when entering the living room, finding Nicky sitting on the couch focused at the tv where again football players try to win the World cup.
“Hey”, he answers not turning his head away from the tv.
‘this is it, I have to speak to him’ my thoughts tell me.
“Nick, I need to talk to you”, I start, looking at him, “can it wait 30 minutes, than the game will be over”, he answers not looking back at me.
“No, I need to talk to you now”, I say a little more convinced, “ok, ok”, he says a little annoyed and switches of the tv.
I am trying to find the correct words, not to get him upset, which will be difficult.
“I.. I have the feeling you’re not happy”, I start a little nervous, “Why would you think that?” he ask surprised, but I noticed he feels caught.
“Because of your behavior since you’re back”, I continue calmly, but inside fighting not to start crying.
“You say that you love me, but you won’t look at me when saying that, you don’t make love to me, while we haven’t seen each other for 3 months, and you rather watch football than have dinner with me”, I feel that I lost the inside fight and the tears start to come.
“If you've got something to tell me, don't keep it inside, I need to know what is going on”, I say, seeing he also has tears in his eyes, “if your heart's not in it, please let me know, I rather walk away than stay with someone that doesn’t love me back”.
He wants to speak, but he can’t, I see the tears running down his cheeks.
“I would do anything for you, please tell me what is wrong”.
“I am sorry… I indeed have to tell you something”, he starts, takes a deep breath and continues, “during the tour I met a girl and I fell in love, and she loved me back, we had a short affaire” he looks at me, I see the quilt in his eyes, I can’t believe what I hear, my worst nightmare just comes true..
“I don’t see her anymore, but she is still in my thoughts, I still love you, but not as much as I want to”, he continues, avoiding eye contact with me now and looks outside, “I thought my love for you would grow again with having a baby, that’s the main reason for coming back to you, I guess..”
He looks at me, I cry continuously, “you came back to me for the baby and not because you love me?”, I ask and start to cry even harder, “Not in the first place, I wanted to make it work between us again, I fought for it, tried to deny the feelings for her… but I can’t”, he answers, “how I wish I could take us back in time, that I never met her, that I wouldn’t hurt you this bad”.
“So this is it, it’s over?” I ask him, looking at him, “I guess so, I can’t and will not live like this, and hurt you even more, my love for you is pretty much gone, I am sorry”.
“Well, if your love is really gone, I won't ask you to stay with me” I answer softly, feeling my eyes getting hurt of the crying, “I can't make you change your mind”.
I stand up, look at him, kiss him goodbye and walk upstairs, get my most important stuff and leave the house.
In the car I call Shane, but get his voicemail “It’s over Shane, he loves another girl, his love for me is gone, his heart is not in it anymore…”
***The End***